“Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting but a women who fears the Lord is to be praised” Proverbs 31:30
I’ve had some great loves in my time. The man of my 20s and 30s who is now my ex-husband, we had so much in common until he, I or maybe it was we changed. The man of my 30s and 40s, who is now my ex-fiancé, we too had a lot in common until that too changed. When I reached the 50 side of 40, I had an interim love or two but that did not work out because now I have changed.
In my 20s and 30s, I thought I was sexy and beautiful because I was told I was, by my college schoolmates, my co-workers (me being in a mostly male profession) and my husband. During that time in my life, my opinion of myself was based mainly on what others thought of me.
By the next decade when I hit my late 30s and early 40s, my fiancé was my lover, and my friend. I only had I eyes for him and he only had eyes for me (so I thought). We did everything together, danced, traveled, read new books, tried new recipes, and sometimes we did absolutely nothing, as long as we did it together. He would often tell me I was sexy and beautiful and I really couldn’t tell you what anyone else thought about me because I was consumed with him and by him. Again, my opinion of myself was based mainly on what he thought of me.
As I moved into my mid 40s, I became more of my own critic, I was now one who formed and expressed judgment of my own merits, faults, value, and truths. I finally began to not care what others thought about me. I tried to look and be my natural best. However, a new beautiful resonated from my very core. I had found a part of me that was beautiful. It was my inner beauty. It was the real me, the natural God centered, spiritual part of me. My inner light shone so bright that both men and women wanted to know why I glowed and asked was I in love. Yes, I was. I was in love, and I truly felt loved. It was my love of God and His unconditional love of me. That love gave me new confidence, it gave me a pep in my step, and it assured me that no matter where I’ve been, what I’ve done, and how I’ve come through it all, that I now had someone who was not going to change on me, now I had someone who would not leave me, and now I had someone who would in fact judge me, but not degrade me. And you know what? It showed. This 40 something women was again beautiful. Outward beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I am beautiful in His eyes. 1 Peter Chapter 3 verse 5 says, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight” So, I am not being conceited or over confident. Far from it. Physically, I am what some would consider overweight, I don’t have the proverbial “good hair” a term know in African-American circles, and while growing up light skin was in, I was not. Nevertheless, those who loved me saw what some did not. Something we cannot purchase, steal, borrow or barter. And that my friends is inner beauty. At 40 + this beauty radiates from me. I have suitors (I may have found the one my heart loves) but my first love is reserved for God.
As this woman that I am now, I know what I want and what I refuse to settle for. I know that love does not come when I want it. I know that love does not always last. I know that you cannot make someone love you if they do not. Moreover, because I no longer expect these things of others, I am secure in whom I am. I do not depend on someone else’s opinion of me, and frankly, I do not have the tolerance I once had. Yet, I love life and I welcome it with its surprises, hurts, disappointments, joys, and happiness. Do not misunderstand me, God is not through working on me yet. I stumble and fall. However, I do not wallow in it. I lean on Him. I ask for forgiveness, from God and from the person I offended, hurt, harmed or introduced negative energy into their spirit.
As I enter and exit the seasons of life, I am still finding and losing love. But the love of God that I have found could never be lost, and that…is real beauty.
